"Raphmoe" (raphmoe)
12/10/2014 at 15:32 • Filed to: journalism, journalismism, raphmoe, tesla, model s
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"Raphmoe" (raphmoe)
12/10/2014 at 15:32 • Filed to: journalism, journalismism, raphmoe, tesla, model s | 16
| 29 |
hello and good afternoon fellow jalops and jaloppettes, the news today from Tesla that their stock market prices are plummeting in corollary with oil prices is a sheer sign of poor things and bad timing to come for the los angeles based automaker of electrical cars and coils. your humble correspondent raphmoe has down some research on the matter and has found out ten reasons that tesla cars are doomed to fail
1) They only make one car.
2) The Model S does not run on Gasoline
3) Gasoline is the fuel of dinosaurs and petroleum based automotive cars like the dodge hellcat which i lust after.
4) the "new models", the 3 series (copyright BMW all rights reserved) and model x and model t-awd are "coming out soon". yeah, right, vaporware at it's finest because i do not see them
5) The BMW i3 and i8 are better than anything that Tesla makes because they use real engines.
6) Elon Musk is more worried about flying spaceships to the moon planets than he is making a proper roadster car that is light and nimble like a lotus.
7) Tesla is making cars in los angeles and vegas which are not detroit and are doomed to fail because detroit is a united states success story for the automotive industry of the world
8) Electricity has no soul; tesla runs on electricity which is really a forcefield from gravity and the planets in harmony with the sun which, when focusing around the van allen belts will produce a ripple effect that saps the lifeblood of automotive enthusiasm from us.
9) I do not like cars with automoatic or "linear drive" transmissions like the Tesla model s; if i can not heel toe it is not for me.
10) Just kidding; Tesla is really the future.
Takuro Spirit
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:34 |
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11) There's no brown diesel wagon variant that Jalops lust after, and as we all know if a car is Jalop, it sells like hotbukakkecakes.
macanamera
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:36 |
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I agree with all of these except #1
Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:36 |
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Gasoline is the fuel of dinosaurs
Dinosaur big, dinosaur powerful, dinosaur better.
Rawr.
JustWaitingForAMate
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:38 |
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Tagged JOURNALISM, I lol'd.
I might be remembering history wrong here, but when Tesla first showed up, wasn't Jalopnik completely against them? Then as soon as the S came out there was a big swich to TeamElon and now they can't worship him hard enough.
Mercedes Streeter
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:38 |
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Raphmoe right now... :)
Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready
> JustWaitingForAMate
12/10/2014 at 15:42 |
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Ray Wert Hated Elon Musk. It didn't change when the S came out, it changed when Matt took over. But I don't think they "worship" him, they have been critical (reasonably, unlike during Wert's time) of Tesla quite a bit. It's how Hardibird came into being, after all!
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Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready
> macanamera
12/10/2014 at 15:43 |
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I disagree with all of these except #1. It is the only entirely accurate one.
EL_ULY
> Mercedes Streeter
12/10/2014 at 15:45 |
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lol !!!!!
Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:45 |
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no tldr?
Saracen
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:50 |
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The Tesla doesn't have a transmission, though.
jkm7680
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:52 |
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"The BMW i3 and i8 are better than anything that Tesla makes because they use real engines."
Yet, Nobody buys either one of them....Hmmmmm.
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Raphmoe
> Saracen
12/10/2014 at 15:53 |
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i address this; they are linear drive
Bob Loblaw Made Me Make a Phoney Phone Call to Edward Rooney
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:58 |
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moon planets!
Roadster Man
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 15:58 |
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Even though I agree with #9, I was so amped up to write a rebuttal but then saw #10. Now might not be a bad time to buy up a few shares...
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Saracen
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:00 |
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Have you driven a Model S?
I love my clutches and I drove a P85+. Yeah, you won't miss it...
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Raphmoe
> Roadster Man
12/10/2014 at 16:04 |
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thanks for reading. i agree, shares will only go up from here.
Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:04 |
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not trying to be an asshole, but tesla is not based out of los angeles, its based out of palo alto, and their gigafactory is going to be built near reno.
BJ
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:11 |
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raphmoe cannot into punctuation in opening paragraph and that makes it hard to read. I cannot into your text with many run-on sentences because the paragraph suddenly ends also there should be more capitals in there somewhere
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BJ
> Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
12/10/2014 at 16:12 |
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See the response by Miss Mercedes: http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/raphmoe-right-…
pyramidofgreatness
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:14 |
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7) Tesla is making cars in los angeles and vegas which are not detroit and are doomed to fail because detroit is a united states success story for the automotive industry of the world
Uhh. Have you read about Detroit lately?
Where have all the lightweights gone?
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:15 |
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5) The BMW i3 and i8 are better than anything that Tesla makes because they use real engines.
Last time I checked, the i3 is an all electric car.
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Raphmoe
> pyramidofgreatness
12/10/2014 at 16:15 |
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yeah, it is awesome
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Raphmoe
> Where have all the lightweights gone?
12/10/2014 at 16:17 |
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BMW is offering a range extender ("REx") option powered by a 647 cc two-cylinder gasoline engine with a small fuel tank that engages when the battery level drops to a pre-specified point, acting purely as a generator to produce electricity to extend the range to between 260 to 290 km (160 to 180 mi) in everyday driving conditions [from wikipedia]
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pyramidofgreatness
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:18 |
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touché
I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 16:50 |
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I was legitimately concerned they you were serious until I got to number 7
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Raphmoe
> I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner
12/10/2014 at 17:40 |
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that is the sign of good satire; thanks for the input friend.
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I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner
> Raphmoe
12/10/2014 at 17:59 |
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Thank you for the laugh! I almost hated you until I got to 7!
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I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner
> Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready
12/11/2014 at 10:30 |
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Why did they hate him so much?
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Hahayoustupidludditeshutupandgohandcrankyourmodeltalready
> I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner
12/11/2014 at 11:07 |
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I'm not entirely sure. Perceived arrogance, perhaps?